Healing Powers

Has it happened to you? Sometimes I go through my busy day, with so many thoughts in my head about the tasks ahead, and suddenly I stop, breathe and remember "I am a mother...wow!"... back to being a busy bee again...

I love looking at my son's face, hearing his laugh, listening to his voice, his cries break my heart, but I have never felt so much as a mother as when my son is sick.
When he is sick, he wants nothing but mommy, and no matter how tired I am, or how much tasks I have ahead, one look at his droopy eyes and his cheeks rossy from the fever, for me to drop all else.

One of these winter days, my little one was at his dad's for the weekend, he was sick, he cried when I called him and asked me to pick him up. My heart broke and I was there as fast as I could. When I got him, he said "kids need their mommies when they are sick, mommy. I need you."
From then on, my call as a mom was more real than ever.
I am needed by this little boy, I am needed as a comforter.

There is very little I can do against the flu, or tummy aches, or any ache, but a mother's touch and a kiss on the forehead is all he is asking for, for him to know its going to be OK.

So, when your day is bad, and your hopes are low, remember: you are needed, you are important in your little ones lives, and even when they don't tell you - just watch who they are calling when they are sick - their healer - you, mom.

And I know it will not end. I still call and long for my mom when I am under something.

Is just the gift given to us, to be mothers, and have those "healing powers"

Have a blessed 2011 celebration and love your kids today!

false expectations...

Just when I was getting accostumed to the difficult threes, my boy leaps forward once again - and I am not ready!

My son is a very versatile boy, well he comes from two VERY different parents. I am an art lover, independent movies, theater, opera, yoga, crafts and over-thinking your way through life.
My boy's dad likes MMA (new fighting style) and other stuff.

I have been paying close attention to where my boy was going to turn, art lover or nose breaker...

I was ecstatic when my boy said he really likes movies, when he watched the Phantom of the Opera with me, when he is insistant in making his own halloween decorations, and taking theater classes - WOW!
But little by little I began to realize that his goals and what he takes out of those activities is not what I had in mind.

While I love the results, he loves the process. As I love to watch my movies quietly, he loves to act them out, as I love a good final performance, he loves the journey and watch the play unfold. Those differences took me by surprise and gave me a slap in the face.
This is not mommy's boy made unto her image, nor daddy's boy made unto his image (since he also loves practicing karate moves and is a picky dresser) This is a little boy growing up to be his own.

I think it is difficult to have our kids in a shared physical custody situation, since we are not witnesses if the time spent with the other parent. We wonder if what he has learned with us is going to be erased and replaced with another type of thinking and jealousy for the child's heart sets in. A tight grip is a normal desire to have in a separate home situation, but not when starts to interfere with the growing desires of the child.
Of course he will share some of our interests (until the think we are un-cool anyway) and the other parents as well - they share DNA and kids mimic behavior, but there is a point in which we have to let go and let them be.

It is important to love and support our kids no matter what - but in the proper context, allowing correction of course. To step back and let them be is hard, since it is natural to tend to over-compensate when in a divorce and separate home situation.

It is important to acknowledge their feelings and allow them to have them without us knowing why sometimes - my little boy left to go to his dad's house with such expression in his face, saying he was sad, he didn't want to state the reason, and that broke my heart - but I have to allow him have emotions that I don't have to be in control of - that is part of his growth.

Freedom and independence is a great thing to receive, but a hard one to give.

Let's love our kids enough to see them and respect them for who they are, their interests are their own; and let's wonder as we discover this new person blossoming in front of our eyes.

Love your children today, tell them how proud you are of them and what a blessing they are to you.

Have a blessed day!

CHANGE

CHANGE - Fearing the very sound of the word as I write this.
Before kid I remember being fearless of change. I welcomed the excitement, the newness and possibilities. Loved to travel, to adjust to different cultures, the process of surprise and adaptation. Now, not so much.

When my toddler was baby, I was very much advised to keep a routine and a schedule for the good of the baby. Change meant stress and sleepless nights due to over simulation J
So, I learned to live “with your feet planted, knowing exactly where to go during the day and in life” sort of thing.

When court dealings came, I tried everything possible to keep my child on a emotionally secure place. Trying to keep a routine with the dad, keeping naps the same, feeding the same, etc.
But on a more personal level, I learned to train my attitude, and at that time, volatile emotions, tamed. By practice and learning from failure I learned to be emotion-less, guarded, very business-like, not going beyond duty when it came to my son’s dad. I came with terms that out relationship was going to be wordless, simple, unmoving, stick to the court orders and nothing else to make it worse (nor better for that matter). And I learned to like it just like that.

Now, my little child ,that I so much tried to protect with routine and security , started to change (as he should) he is in pre-school now, he has mood changes, behavior changes, toy changes - and you’ve been there, when we finally thing we have learned to master the terrible two’s, the kid turns three and like magic, everything in them change - overnight! And what we thought was were going to experience when they are pre-teens, we are experiencing at three years old - and vice versa, I heard.

Well, there are other changes I didn’t anticipate, they are good, but requires a completely new life style - the life style I learned to suppress, I have to take it out of it’s dusty urn now.
What about getting along with the dad (yes for the good of the child), talking during exchange, have a civil conversation, even spend time at any event involving the child - WHAT?! Do you mean I actually have to talk and smile?! That thought terrifies me. And I know I am in the wrong here, because a good interaction is good for the child. My son gets very uncomfortable when he sees his dad and I together (other than the 10 seconds at the exchange) because he is picking up from the tension we have, and even when there is no tension, we have mastered the coldness for survival sake.

His dad brought up the possibility on a change of attitude from our part - and I am trying, and many times I feel like I cannot see any change from my part. For my son I am trying, and forget about my own anger and mistrust issues, are they founded? Yes. Should I live with a sword and shield by my side? No.

How do I get to the point of taking a step to the right, when I had my blinders on, in order to keep walking straight. Well, I’ll take the steps I took to come to be in this place. Little by little, practice, practice, practice. It will be very uncomfortable at the beginning, but change in this situation is needed.
Where do I want to be with this change? Best friends? No. Pals for life? No. Strangers? No… Maybe just parents…
But, my son is worth the effort.

Where are you when it comes to your kids’ father? Do we want to be there forever? Should we aim for better?
Maybe wiser. More mature. Making things simpler. More optimistic - but it is time to move forward, for the good of our kids.

…I’ll let you know where this change takes me J
Because I know it will be much better for my child.

Love your kids, they are the reason we become better people - even when we don’t like it J
Let’s share in their quest for adventure, growth and newness.
Blessings!

Happy Mother's Day!!

Today was my first official Mother's Day presentation I got from my son. His school had the kids singing, and they made little presents for us.

I remember when I was little and I asked my mom what she wanted for Mother's Day, she'd always say "a hug and your love" - I always thought THAT WAS A LIE! Presents are cool, you must want something big, shinny and special!

It wasn't until now, that I am a mom, and that my child is in that stage of pure honesty and innocence that I recognize the desire my mom had - a hug and his love, a smile, a look from him that will validate my role as his mom.

After all what has been going on and all the fighting and court dealings, a moment of peace and a hug from our kids will make it all better. And at that moment, if you are like me :) the worry if we are doing a good job as mothers will dissipate, and we just enjoy the moment.

Today, it didn't go as I expected, but hearing him say "I love you mommy" just melted me to the core and gave me energy for another year.

And as we grow, I think my mom had the right idea, we ought to spare some moments to pause, be thankful, hug and show love to our parents, because they hunger for those moments when everything was simple and pure and innocent, and a hug was all it took to make all things better... and of course I still run around looking for the biggest, shiniest way to show her that :)

but I understand now, that she wants time and love manifested.

Love your kids, allow yourself to be loved their way. Let's stop, pause and just take it in, and store those moments in our hearts.

Happy Mother's Day!!!!

and to the single mom - BRAVO!!!! because you go the extra mile to make their rainbows look brighter, and to bring a smile to their hearts, even when it is cloudy outside.

Blessings this Mother's Day. You are magnificent and YOU ARE LOVED - just look at those faces, even if they have a frown right now, you are loved.

Raising my superhero

I have the pleasure to daily interact with a lively toddler, who is ready to take on the world.

He wants to be a superhero day and night. He oftens goes from Spiderman to Superman to Batman and the whole Marvel characters in the blink of an eye... to the point that I don't now what regular clothes look for a little boy, he only wears his superhero costumes, and laundry is a daily routine now... I love it though...

One other thing that I also love, but makes me stop in the tracks of the made-believe games, is how he always has to protect mommy.
He recently had a nightmare in which he saw me falling, he was at his dad's house at the time, and he stayed pretty shaken up from it, and from that point on he's had a mild case of separation anxiety.

How does my toddler son views me? how does our kids view us? the single parent.

Do we seem broken to them? because we are not.
Do we seem pretty put together, needless of any help offered? because we are not.
Do we seem heavy burdened and with a could on our heads? because we should not.

I certainly hope he sees me as human, but I know it is too early for that ( I know that at his age, I should be the one that can do everything to protect him)

I remember when my parents where getting a divorce, I (as the eldest) was given the title of the best friend of each of my parents, the one who had to keep things together for everyone else, and the one who had to hide the emotions as an example for my siblings - what a heavy title, what a terrible burden for a kid itself.
And I pray, that I don't ask that from my toddler. I hope he doesn't see himself as my beacon, as my rescuer or my flotation device, I certainly hope not, because he is, after all, just a kid.

Our children nowadays loose their innocence in the blink of an eye, our society is obsessed with rapid growth, and most things from television to literature are like shots of hormones for our kids.
A worker from Toys R Us recently told me they are going into bancruptcy, Toys R Us? why? I asked, kids are already asking for phones, iPods and video-games from early on, no room for toys anymore...

I want to keep my child a child until his age allows it, I want him to enjoy saving the world, without worrying about saving mommy - that's my job.
My, our job is to get up after a blow, our job is to be a parent and keep on walking.

I am forever flattered that I have my own personal superhero, or set of them, and I hope he grows up to be a gentleman for damsels, but I am also ready for when he is ready to move on from Superman onto trucks, or baseball bats, or coloring books.

Are you ready?

LOVE your kids today, let's enjoy every stage on their lives and easy the burden they may be carrying. DIVORCE, SPLIT HOMES is very hard, for any age.

Blessings to you my friend! Love your kids, love yourself and carry-on.

when the silence is too loud

I usually take some time to write and update my blogs when my child is with his dad. But this weekend has been torture, the silence has been deafening, and, as busy single moms we do welcome the down moment and time alone, but when our kids leave, our hearts scream and a void opens up - for me at least...

How do you cope? how do you fill the days of silence on these long weekends?

I do tend to get busy. I call friends, update my facebook and blogs, WORK!, movies, books and not a dull moment - because silence brings to my mind thoughts of regret, voices of doubt and fear for the future.

Was is OK to give him that time out? was it fair to put his toy away, am I doing the right thing? am I a good mother? and my heart gets heavier and heavier...

I know almost each single mother faces these damaging thoughts, are they true though? and I know that at least one person would tell you they are... you and I know who I am talking about ;)
But also know that if God has chosen you to be your kids' mom, and He never makes mistakes, then you are the best choice for a mother for those kids.

If you read my previous posts you will know what my thoughts are on discipline, and kids, etc. - but I do doubt myself a lot of times - and then I have to let go.

I think that sometimes I am trying to keep too much control, because I lost control with the court dealings (meaning the decision on spending time with my child was not mine, but an stranger's)
I think that sometimes I am so eager to over-compensate for what is lacking in my child's life that I loose my vision on what it is there and what is real.
I think that sometimes I am my own ghost and my own demon.

... Life is much simpler, or at least the answers to my doubts are much simpler that what I think.

Against what therapy and what movies say about crazy killers - it is not the mother's fault.
Single mothers' children will not be sociopaths just because they grew up in a broken home.
I think that people should take responsibility for their actions without having to continuously blame the past and lack of this and lack of that...

So, how do you quiet the doubts? by keeping focus on your family and being thankful for what we have, not for what we lack.

I know I need to get better in dealing with the silence, and it is OK to think about my son, but I also need to keep in developing the person side of me, because I am a woman, a mother with talents and passions, and so are you.
Let your kids get to know this amazing person that is their mother, because you are amazing, and they have a lot of you in them - so explore that side together. So your kids come back to home, not to mommy's house.
And when the silence rises, you should sing YOUR song, loud and proud.

And let's forgive ourselves, our parents made mistakes as well, and here we are...

Be blessed and LOVE your children today!
As for me, I need to go on singing :)

The steps to recovery

Now, this posting is not particularly related to our kids, but it does deal with something that is very much part of our lives - the dreaded. oh-so-menacing-dude, a.k.a. the kids’ father.

If you are like me, that subject we rather not talk about (except when we need to vent), think about, nor have in our lives... but for worse or for worse, he is part of our lives because of the sharing of a common blessing, our children.

I know there are situations when ex-couples don’t have any problems at all! For example, my neighbors ex-husband comes to her house, greets the whole family, picks the little kid, stays for dinner - I thought that only happened in movies!, but honestly, good for them, and if that is you - good for you! But if you find yourself in the midsts of a custody battle, that may not be the case. I know that is gets very rocky while papers are served, judge visits, etc, etc, afterwards it may decrease, hopefully, if our hearts are in the right place, I think - into seeking the well being of the children only.

But, how to ride that exhausting roller coaster in the mean time?

While in court battle (2 years) I had to see the dude practically everyday - arg! I don’t know how it goes for you, but I got nauseated as his visitation time approached, disgusted any time we had to talk and in anger with every approach. I often wondered how I went from a good stable relationship to such ugly feelings and utter disgust - every part of me screamed, “you are right for feeling this way, after all he had done and said” maybe so (we’ll get to that later) but fakeness was only taking me so far...

To the now, has been very hard, but it has gotten manageable. I still feel the anger, but now I “reason” through it, and surrender it.

Hello, I am a single mother and I dread my kid’s father...

STEP 1: BASE. I have a base. A custody settlement has been drawned. Hopefully this means court is over - people in my same situation tell me to keep wishing... But at least we have a base we draw from. He has a set time, I have a set time. No matter how much you fight it an dislike it, it is there and by order of the judge we got to respect the agreement, because that is why we went to court, to seek outside settlement due to the lack of communication. You could modify it yourselves, but remember, everything in writing.

STEP 2: LOOK. I look at my kid’s face and I have peace and strength of mind. I want to do what is best for him, and he needs time with his father - “but my kid doesn’t know him as I do, he’s a jerk!” I say to myself from time to time :) and yes, it is a good thing out kids don’t know the type of man we were involved with. They see the daddy side of the dude, and that should be all they see. Most dads work hard for their kids to only see the better side to them, specially if they find themselves in this situation, and that is good. out kids are very lucky to have a set of parents that love them and “fight” for more time with them (hopefully that is your case, if the opposite is the case, then you will supply and overflow, trust me, mother’s can :) )

When I pick up my child, or he gets picked up by his dad, I only focus on my kid’s face. Rarely I look up at his dad’s face when he is informs me about something (we got to be polite right?) and I am amazed at the changes that has happened with that person since last time - time certainly flies.

STEP 3: PREDICT. You know the type of person you are dealing with. You know his reactions and his most predictable actions, his yes’s and no’s, so, apply your knowledge to take advantage of the situation, not to manipulate, but to be prepared. Although, at the same time acknowledge that parenthood changes people, but let’s not be naive ;)

Also predict your reactions, there are little things that will annoy you and be magnified, and your reactions will be magnified. I am not saying let bad things slide, but put them in perspective and be solution minded, not increasing the problem. For example:

He is late to pick up the child and you are in a hurry for a meeting. If the meeting can’t wait, tell him to pick him up half way of at your meeting place. Give a 30-minute grace, don’t schedule anything for those 30 minutes, therefore you are in the safe. Most agreements allow 1 hour (with notification) tardiness before the visitation is forfeited. If the situation continues suggest a new pick-up time.

He is not as careful as you are in rearing the kids. Hmmm - yes, I have over-reacted to this one also. First, breathe... deeply... then remember that there are two styles of parenting here, the right one and the wrong one - kidding! - he is a guy after all, pizza for breakfast and candy for dinner won’t kill our kids, they need that sometimes :) they will survive, and we can have a bag full of veggies for when they come back :) But when the kid a certain medical condition, in which doctor’s orders need to be follow, I do suggest to be on the top of that, a failure for a parent to follow medical orders is considered neglect and is investigated by Child Protection Services.

The dad talks badly about you in front of the child. This is usually a biggie on any custody agreement, we cannot really regulate it, but we can talk to our kids about how to react and what to really listen to. Encourage your kids to leave a situation they are not comfortable with, meaning if dad and company are talking badly about you, they can leave the room or ask dad not to talk talk way about their mother. Explain your kids that that type of “adult talk” is unacceptable and we all make mistakes in that area sometimes. That also should work for us, not matter how upset we are, never to talk bad about the kid’s father in front of them - it chatters the image they have of both parents.

Dad tends to “forget” previous agreements. GET EVERYTHING IN WRITING!! if you guys are agreeing to major changes in the schedule, then have it notarized, and with the judge’s signature if possible. “Forgetfulness” is very common if the agreement doesn’t longer benefit the opposing party. If the dad’s lack of memory makes you miss an important engagement with your kids, no matter how mad we get, it is done - he may even have done it to bother you - don’t let it. A holiday is a holiday, what you make it to be with your family is what matters. Days and events will come and go - plan for when you have the kids with you, therefore you don’t surrender control, that is the father of pride :)

STEP 4: VENT. Talk to a friend, write a journal or blog :), exercise, let it out! Don’t let frustrations eat you up or take the best of you. Don’t give the dude any power over you, he may be doing things on purpose or be truly clueless - give the benefit of the doubt. Important NOTE: NEVER EVER VENT ON YOUR CHILDREN.

STEP 5: ENJOY your time with your kids and your time off your kids, the second part may be difficult to do. My kid and I suffer from separation anxiety when he goes for the weekend, it is natural, but it is healthy and necessary to re-charge and be ready for the next few days ahead. Interact with adults, get things done, invest in you :)

STEP 6: FORGIVE - what?! that is a hard one, I know. A tip, when you are at the point of forgiveness, all things come to mind, the list of reasons why dude is so dreading, rage for past actions, the hurt and anger that makes us so comfortable and gives us reasons to be bitter and cry for justice. That’s when we should give it, even more.

Forgiveness is necessary, it is not a magic wand, it doesn’t happen in a card nor e-mail, it doesn’t happen in a day, it doesn’t give you a happy face all the sudden, and it doesn’t mean you have to be friends afterwards. it takes time, effort (maybe only yours), thought, reason and surrender. Forgiveness is good for you, the kids and the situation.

But, what is forgiveness anyway? Whatever bad stuff that happened, it sucks. It change us in a way, it gave us the anger we are convinced is our right to have, it makes us want to seek our own justice - it doesn’t let us think, move, interpret, perceive things in no other terms than in ours. That is an ugly thing to live with.

We may also have had something to do with the situation, have we thought about that? As we want to let go of the guilt, it is important to release all the ones involved and see the situations as a situations that happened, that sucked, but it happenED. I am not owned by the situation, by the dude nor by my anger. It is time to live a new life without any holds to the past one. Forgive means to release. Allows us to see our kids in a new light, a little person who comes of two parents who love him/her - not just a product of you and that guy. Giving the best to out kids is hard, and we may have to start with this one :)

STEP 7: FORGET - double what?! Forget doesn’t mean we put the situation under the rug to never re-visit it again - IT will re-visit you, trust me. I love the saying: “you cannot not stop the birds from flying over your head, but you can stop them from making a nest on your head”. The situation we will not forget, but we can stop it from hurting us as it did before, you have the power to do that.

Why do we want to forget? because it will take the focus off out hurt and place it on the kids and their needs. I also cry for justice for what the jerk did, but I will trade “my justice” for my child’s well being any day :)

STEP 8: SURRENDER - I don’t know if you believe in God, but He is real and He wants to comfort you, He wants to help you deal with all this stuff, He wants to make you whole again and He wants to parent with you.

I come from a broken house also, and I did see God covering us kids and my parents as we went through the brokeness. Surrender means: bad stuff will happen and God has a plan for it, for everything. God doesn’t take sides, not even our kids, but He knows what He is doing and will carry us through. I don’t believe He intended divorce, but He intended forgiveness. He did not intend for pre-marital sex, but He intended repentance, He didn’t intend for the heaviness of sin, But He intended restoration. We don’t know were we are going, God does. He is in absolute control and He loves our children more than we would ever do, He made them, and He made us their parents, and He doesn’t make mistakes.

God has a plan, trust and bring all those bad situations to His feet and say “Well, this sucks, but I give this to you. You are in control, do whatever your plan is Lord, but prepare my kids’ and my heart for what you have planned”

STEP 9: THE NEW YOU - Yes, there is room to be you. Not as to show something to someone, but for you. Enjoy your kids, be strong with them. Let them see you smile from the inside out. be honest with your feelings and acknowledge having them. We are women and we are emotional, yay! we are mothers and we protect, yay! we are single and we have excitement coming our way, yay! we are gorgeous and we know it! your kids tell you that all the time, and children are the ones who are honest.

Live the fabulous live you are meant to live and receive the freedom of heart God has for you!

Our kids matter, we matter - end of quote.

Love your kids today! and Blessings!

Happy Father's Day Mom!!

happy father's day to the single mothers who are taking the role of a father in their kids lives.

You should be honored for striving to give your kid the complete set - even though it is hard as heck on you.

Be encouraged, you are not alone. Even if the dad is around, we still have to be the father when our kids are with us.

If the father is around, let him be the father figure also, allow him to take his role, and encourage your kids to see him as such - remember they don't have to know what you know about that person, and whether we like it or not, that dude is or will be their "hero" at some point, let's not tamper with that.

Be strong for your kids, be strong for you.

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY TO YOU! YOU ARE A FATHER ALSO!!!

I am praying for you, and give your burden to God.

Blessings! love your kids today.

Split Home Situation

I don't know what your situation is, if your kid or kids are already on a visitation schedule, or you are waiting for one to established.

Whatever the case it is never easy to see the kids go, isn't it?

It is true, it is very important for a child to see and spend time with both parents, whatever the agreement is, but it is very hard to let them go even for a few hours - it is for me at least.

My son is 2-years old, and even though he has been on a split home situation since he was born, he still has separation anxiety issues when he leaves my house (every weekday!) - it is hard to see him cry, or cling to me before going into dad's car. It is hard to get him ready for the leave - meaning having to talk him into going, one hour in advance. He has gotten better, and I know it will pass, but still it is hard - we feel like he is going to be traumatized forever! a friend of mine who has gone through the same situation assures me they won't remember, and will adapt. I know it is true.

One thing is certain though, they will remember the attitude we have when we do the exchange (between the parents).

I encourage you to put your "best face" out there, even if we don't mean it :) until it is just a "ritual" to fake-smile. To truly encourage them to spend time with the other parent, because we know it is good for them - regardless of what we think about the other parent's character, they are in his/her life.

As I said before, unless you suspect abuse - that's when you act in behalf of your child - we ought to encourage that contact and bond - then we can vent with our friends ;)

I know there are plans that are fitted for every stage on a child's life. Infant, Toddler, Early School and High School.

Hopefully there is a smooth transition between all of them, but as the kids get older, it gets easier, because the kids' opinion start to matter to the court.

You should see what your kid can handle and if the other parent cooperates, then establish a plan, or if you are going through the court process, then you have to wait for their decision. Unfortunately, they base their recommendation on the age-guidelines, not on a particular case, so, work it out if you can.

It is OK to sacrifice some holidays I think. I feel like it is better for the kids to spend a whole day holiday with one parent instead spending them rushing off to change houses in the middle of it - yes, you may not get to see them that day, but there is always next year.

You give the meaning to the day, you can make the following day special for them as well, and your kids will have an extended holiday celebration, or something like that - you make it work.

Separation anxiety will pass, more quickly for the child I guess, but in the meantime, fixate your thoughts on the fact:it is good for the kids. Put up a "good" face and keep on going. You be the rational one, your kid will thank you one day.

Blessings and thank God for your kids!!!

child support

Most than likely if you are in the midst of a custody battle, you also have to deal with child support.

Family court has nothing to do with child support, unless you and the other party have a particular agreement and want the judge to seal on it.

I realized that is better to have CSS (Child Support Services) deal with it. If you have an agreement with the other party, great! but understand that in dealings with money, fights are unavoidable, especially if the parents are in odds.

Child Support issues is hard for fathers. it means having the government looking into your finances, and taking money out of your paycheck, and keep you in record (if you owe more than a certain amount, you cannot apply for a passport, etc) - has a huge impact on the ego.

Well, you're face some fire if you involve CSS in your case (from the other party I mean) but it will save you from a lot of problems later, I truly believe.

Each parent is responsible for the upbringing of the child - and the responsibility belongs to both.

CSS does not charge you anything, and doesn't take fees. It collects past child support owed and are good at follow up, the only downside is that they are very slow if a problem arises.

In my case I had to call them every two weeks for three months when the dad stopped paying for child support, and had to subpoena the dad's employment records myself ($100 well spent), but that did the trick.

Your child is important, but don't mix your child's relationship with money though. Keep those separate. Your child needs a relationship with both parents regardless of monetary support - that sucks, I know - BOTH PARTIES SHOULD BE RESPONSIBLE, but it's not the child's fault and interaction with the other parent should not be denied based on Child Support or lack of it.

You and the other parent should deal with it as adults, if agreements don't work, seek legal help.

There are organizations that offer help in collecting child support, but that don't work as well and charge you a large fee.

Lawyers cannot do much about it - CSS does an estimate and deal with the case until they're done - it takes about 3 to 6 months - as long as they are able to locate the other parent.

There is no meeting of the parties, no agreement to sign, no compromises. The other party makes this much, this much time is spent with the child, the child is this age - that's all they need.

CSS also makes sure the child has medical coverage, and child care if needed.

Blessings!!! and don't forget to thank God for your kids!

steps

I am not an expert in the issue, but here are the steps I took when opening a custody case.

Make sure you have the funds.

FIRST AGREEMENT

Before getting up a lawyer, I would imagine you have a "non-official" agreement with the other parent. make it official, try to get a signature, notarize it if possible. That way there is no confusion and he said/she said stuff.

LAWYERS:

Do your research for a good and affordable lawyer. Custody issues are not that complicated, but they do know the lingo, what and when to serve, and the other parent has to deal directly with them (if they don't have a lawyer) so the harassment is cut in half...

I had to change lawyers in the middle of the process, because my firmer lawyer was more concern with her friendship with the opposing lawyer than with the case, and she moved too slow for comfort - so, look for clues; if you feel uncomfortable with a particular lawyer, state your needs, they do want to keep you around.

My new lawyer was much more aggressive and he did make a point to spot the threats from the opposing party.

DOCUMENTATION:

Document EVERYTHING. Try to have a type of communication that would leave a record, voice messages, text messages, letters, e-mails, etc. 

Write whatever the other party did. They didn't want to return the child, they were more than 15 minutes late to pick up or drop off, insults, anything and everything.

Keep a calendar and mark the days the child is retrieved, times, etc. Put a date on the documentation, write facts, include times, dates, what happened - period.

BE READY:

If you are the serving party, be ready - you have bruised some body's ego, and they are coming for vengeance. Insults will come, promises will come, friends with "good intentions" will overflow. Listen to people you trust and that know what you are going through as a parent, as a mother, as a single mother.

KEEP ON GOING:

After filing comes mediation, make sure you attend. Be calm, out emotions aside and present facts. Give the court any documentation you have at least 20 days before mediation day, that way the mediator has a chance to review it. Speak ONLY about what is pertinent to the child, you are not there to confront the other parent, but for the well being of your kid. the other parent will try to get a rise out of you, and what better place than in front of the person who has the most say in this process.

The Mediator is the "battle to win" because the judge generally approves the mediator's recommendations - 95% of the time.

Write whatever the mediator says, there has been times in which the mediators tells the parents one thing and end up recommending another - and you can appeal that.

COURT:

Court doesn't come right away, the court wants to give LOTS of chances for the parents to communicate (it took me two years from the first filing to come and see the judge) if they don't see them communicate, then they take the ruling and final order.

Needless to say, if you can come to an agreement that would be fantastic, aim for that. Put it in writing, both of you sign it and submit it to court.

My son's dad an I want a slightly different plan form the one approved by the court, because my son will be starting pre-school soon, we live further apart and it is best for the child. We will try it a month (written agreement) and if it is beneficial for the child, we will adopt it - written and with the judge's signature - a must! you never know when someone turns "forgetful" or something...

One more thing, I know many, many are against taking matters to court. I am a Christian, and thought long and hard before coming to this decision. I tried taking these matters before the church - that particular church didn't help, and the situation was getting worse by the minute.

Court helped it getting solved. 

AGAIN, if you can solve it before court - then go for it please!! - if you find yourself trapped and fearful - protect your child, protect yourself - a hurt ego can be very dangerous. 

Seek counsel, do your research - and don't commit to a plan you don't think is best for your kid or kids.

The dad and I are able to move forward now, we have a base - we are not in love with it, but it serves its purpose, and we take it from there.

Blessings!

I have a 2 year old boy - as cute as he can be!

Never married to the dad (thank God!). 

I initiated the custody filing because of the dad's constant bullying. He wanted a 50/50 share time, while the baby was still an infant.

He would be emotionally and verbally abusive, resorting to threats made by him and his friends.

So, I hired a lawyer (I don't even know I could afford it at the time) and initiated the process.

I was VERY FEARFUL, and there wasn't a single day when I questioned my decision - even now I question that decision. But what kept me going was to give a stable future for my child. I am convinced that a 50/50 situation is not good for an infant, toddler, to no kid at all. So it began.

There were numerous fights, friends were lost, rumors were started, even condemnation from our church pastor - but the well being of my child was worth it.

I have physical custody, dad sees the child every day for dinner (my son goes to his place) and every other weekend.

I don't like not seeing my child, but I know it is best for him and I am learning to accept it.

If you are planing to file and the dad's motive is only his pride, you will face a hard battle, but look at your child, have his/her best interest at heart, gather support and good advice - and why not - pray!

I am here if you need to talk :)