October 26, 2009

15 minutes of pride

Pride is a nasty thing, specially when gambling your child's well being...

My boy is almost 3 years old, and from the moment he was born he started on a share custody. Going to his dad's house everyday even until now, and even until now he cries every time he goes refusing to leave with his dad. A few nights ago he, my son, came to me to tell me his daddy doesn't love him, nor his stepmom, he is scared of both of them because they scream. I don't know what to make out from this, but I know that fear is in my son's heart.
But only pride is in his father's heart. dad's 1st response, denial of course, denial that there was such words from a kid and now denial he has anything to do with this and denial he can be part of the solution.

The court parameters is that my son sees his dad every from 5pm to 7:30pm, pertaining that is good for the child - it isn't - the child cries EVERY time he goes, he even has digestive problems due to the stress. My suggestion was to reduce the days of visit, but to increment the hours, since the reduction would be of only one day, he, in essence would spend more time with the child, from 3:45pm to 7:30pm.
He is fighting for 15 minutes extra, because it is inconvenient for his schedule to do it as suggested - he doesn't know what to do for 15 minutes, so he wants a earlier pick up, even if the child is in the middle of his nap.

15 minutes that would take him to go to the bathroom, 15 minutes to get a coffee, 15 minutes to text treats and insults as he did before, he doesn't want to give 15 minutes to help his son with his separation anxiety, because 15 minutes puts a dent on his schedule.
As a dad who claims undying love to his kid, who moans and whines for more time with his kid, would you rather have your kid 8 or 12 hours per week - I know, it takes no science...

But when pride is your motivator, the best deal for someone else (even if it is your son) is your biggest lost.

Document as I said, because court is not over until the kids get a fair share of the situation.

Love your kids, even through somebody else's pride.
They will thank YOU one day.

October 6, 2009

The Golden Rule - revisited

OK, I gave in...
I decided to continue do what I was doing because I was not doing for the dreaded dude anyway. I was doing it for my son, for myself and for God. It feels more liberating to admit this than to try to force myself into doing something that doesn't feel right.
I don't want to scoop down to the dude's level and live with a heart of pride and revenge. I wanted to be free from him for a long time and this is the best way, to not give into his "mood-ness".

So, I will continue to give reports about school, share the school projects, doctor reports, go above and beyond what is required of me based on the court orders because it is nice to do so, and his excuse of "I didn't know" would not apply (only in his mind).
My conscience would be clear and I will be free - love it!

I say I will do it for God, because He drives me to be a better person, a better mother and to Him I want to answer.
Someone told me that the Golden Rule also applies to us, if we do something wrong, how would we like to be treated - well, from the dude I don't expect anything, but from God I do expect forgiveness and understanding, and He is quick to give it. He will give it to me regardless if I give it or not, but I do want to do all things (especially when it comes to court and custody dealings) as I am doing it in God's watch.

I will do it for my son because he deserves the effort, he deserves I try to keep the dude informed of his health and accomplishments because after all, the dude is his dad.

When faced with this ambivalence - let's take the eyes off the dude's actions for a second and look at the motivation for our actions. I do agree with we should not let poor behavior stand, but let's consider what is worth the heavy fight (meaning going back to court) - who do we do these things for and in which place are we going to end up in the end, meaning emotionally.

Our behavior and morality should not be dictated by somebody else compass, but by our own rationalization.
It's funny, when I was going to court there were to stages to my personality, according to dude and company - one day I was miss wonderful, the best single mother in the world, because (my mistake) I was allowing the dad to see the child everyday. But when I started saying no to overnight weekends when my son was an infant and not to a 50/50 schedule, I was accused of unfair, an evil human being, a pathetic individual just because the dude was hearing the word "no" (the desire of a "yes" world, is a sign of sociopath behavior).

As you travel this road, you will receive many, many accusations - examine yourself and don't give in. What are you doing things for, who are you doing things for? - not for the dude's and friends' approval, not to win a popularity contest for sure, but for your kids and yourself.
You will need to stand firm and examine yourself continuously -
and no, you are not a bad mother for not giving in into someone else wants. If he cannot negotiate in favor of the kid alone then there should not be further discussion, your child is the priority, not the dude's wants.

Be strong, evaluate, document, persevere and hope.

Go to bed in peace knowing you are doing everything in your power for the well-being of your child and if that is not working for your child's favor, don't loose hope and compensate in the mean time - your children won't be an statistic number, there are exceptions to the rule all the time and someone else selfishness will not dictate how your child turns up.
Be strong and be at peace.

Love your kids today and always and blessings!!!

October 3, 2009

The Golden Rule

After an incident with the dude (my son's infamous father) today, I started thinking about the golden rule - "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" -
That's a rule I have always like to live by - I am not an expert, I fail many many times in practicing it - but I'd like to live by it, my philosophy is that you never know when you would be on the other side of the rope. Some people refer to it as karma, law of reciprocity, or just being a good citizen - and it is a good way to live I think.

But what if something wrong is done unto you and you are in the position to pay back with the same 'kindness"? would you take that step? knowing that it may make things worse?

This is the situation - Dude thinks he can violate court orders (which vary from simple to grievous) put his dumb spin on it, the "i didn't know" response, place it on "the past is the past" file and be done with it - an obvious sign of a sociopath (we'll be talking about sociopath behavior in future blogs - beware!! a common disease among divorced men)
Then when they think that a court order is violated towards them, hell is broken loose.

I have been patiently trying to make things better in "our situation". I have been doing things I don't have to as to keep the dude informed of school meetings, doctor appointments, reminders and facilitating change in the schedule in hopes my little boy has the advantage to have both parents involved in his development. So, when I hear "It's not my job" to enforce a court order from the other party - it really makes me think if all the effort is worth it.

Maybe the judge, whole family court system, my lawyer and even the dude is right - I am supposed to treat this interaction as a business deal and only do "my job" - maybe it is time I live by the court orders I tried to enforce and stop being nice.
With going the extra mile expectations are set, that we receive the same treatment - specially with someone you are just dealing in a business-like-way.
Maybe I should save myself the trouble and stop riding the dude's roller coaster (trust me, worse than a woman in PMS).
What got me into trouble with him in the first place is that I didn't listen to my instincts nor to people's advice in regards to the dude.

But I know what it would cost to enforce the golden rule in reverse. I have been talking about not letting the dudes' pettiness affect us, to be above it, but what if there is some stuff we need to allow to get to us, not for a power struggle, but to put us in our place and enforce what we have been fighting for - aside than for our kids' well being - our peace of mind and emotional ties finally being broken from the dudes.

I am a Christian, and I love that the golden rule is mentioned in the bible, but it also mentions to love our enemies, to turn the other cheek and to pay wrong doing with goodness, and no matter how I try to justify it I know I would be violating that would not be doing that.
But I know that my behavior is not dictated by the dude and no matter what he does or doesn't do would not and should not change my behavior.
I went to court for a reason, and was to stop the petty fights, and the best way for court to determine that was to let the parents know that we are grown ups and we can find out things about our kids (when it comes to medical records and school and other stuff) on our own if we really want to know - to not go the extra mile if we didn't want to or see fit. And aside from court, the more distance I place at the moment, the less anger would arise.
And I think that the less things I "facilitate" for the dude the less trouble... I like that - it is liberating.

So, my dear readers, this is a new time for me - a business minded mom, who would only do my job appointed by court, no extra mile ridden, to give as I receive from the dude's "oh-so-warm heart" -
And still do the best I can for my kid. And really and honestly think about my kid and I.
I will let you know how it goes and keep you posted.

Thank you for reading. Love and cherish your kids every minute of the day.

Many, many blessings.