June 23, 2010


CHANGE - Fearing the very sound of the word as I write this.
Before kid I remember being fearless of change. I welcomed the excitement, the newness and possibilities. Loved to travel, to adjust to different cultures, the process of surprise and adaptation. Now, not so much.

When my toddler was baby, I was very much advised to keep a routine and a schedule for the good of the baby. Change meant stress and sleepless nights due to over simulation J
So, I learned to live “with your feet planted, knowing exactly where to go during the day and in life” sort of thing.

When court dealings came, I tried everything possible to keep my child on a emotionally secure place. Trying to keep a routine with the dad, keeping naps the same, feeding the same, etc.
But on a more personal level, I learned to train my attitude, and at that time, volatile emotions, tamed. By practice and learning from failure I learned to be emotion-less, guarded, very business-like, not going beyond duty when it came to my son’s dad. I came with terms that out relationship was going to be wordless, simple, unmoving, stick to the court orders and nothing else to make it worse (nor better for that matter). And I learned to like it just like that.

Now, my little child ,that I so much tried to protect with routine and security , started to change (as he should) he is in pre-school now, he has mood changes, behavior changes, toy changes - and you’ve been there, when we finally thing we have learned to master the terrible two’s, the kid turns three and like magic, everything in them change - overnight! And what we thought was were going to experience when they are pre-teens, we are experiencing at three years old - and vice versa, I heard.

Well, there are other changes I didn’t anticipate, they are good, but requires a completely new life style - the life style I learned to suppress, I have to take it out of it’s dusty urn now.
What about getting along with the dad (yes for the good of the child), talking during exchange, have a civil conversation, even spend time at any event involving the child - WHAT?! Do you mean I actually have to talk and smile?! That thought terrifies me. And I know I am in the wrong here, because a good interaction is good for the child. My son gets very uncomfortable when he sees his dad and I together (other than the 10 seconds at the exchange) because he is picking up from the tension we have, and even when there is no tension, we have mastered the coldness for survival sake.

His dad brought up the possibility on a change of attitude from our part - and I am trying, and many times I feel like I cannot see any change from my part. For my son I am trying, and forget about my own anger and mistrust issues, are they founded? Yes. Should I live with a sword and shield by my side? No.

How do I get to the point of taking a step to the right, when I had my blinders on, in order to keep walking straight. Well, I’ll take the steps I took to come to be in this place. Little by little, practice, practice, practice. It will be very uncomfortable at the beginning, but change in this situation is needed.
Where do I want to be with this change? Best friends? No. Pals for life? No. Strangers? No… Maybe just parents…
But, my son is worth the effort.

Where are you when it comes to your kids’ father? Do we want to be there forever? Should we aim for better?
Maybe wiser. More mature. Making things simpler. More optimistic - but it is time to move forward, for the good of our kids.

…I’ll let you know where this change takes me J
Because I know it will be much better for my child.

Love your kids, they are the reason we become better people - even when we don’t like it J
Let’s share in their quest for adventure, growth and newness.

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