March 7, 2010

when the silence is too loud

I usually take some time to write and update my blogs when my child is with his dad. But this weekend has been torture, the silence has been deafening, and, as busy single moms we do welcome the down moment and time alone, but when our kids leave, our hearts scream and a void opens up - for me at least...

How do you cope? how do you fill the days of silence on these long weekends?

I do tend to get busy. I call friends, update my facebook and blogs, WORK!, movies, books and not a dull moment - because silence brings to my mind thoughts of regret, voices of doubt and fear for the future.

Was is OK to give him that time out? was it fair to put his toy away, am I doing the right thing? am I a good mother? and my heart gets heavier and heavier...

I know almost each single mother faces these damaging thoughts, are they true though? and I know that at least one person would tell you they are... you and I know who I am talking about ;)
But also know that if God has chosen you to be your kids' mom, and He never makes mistakes, then you are the best choice for a mother for those kids.

If you read my previous posts you will know what my thoughts are on discipline, and kids, etc. - but I do doubt myself a lot of times - and then I have to let go.

I think that sometimes I am trying to keep too much control, because I lost control with the court dealings (meaning the decision on spending time with my child was not mine, but an stranger's)
I think that sometimes I am so eager to over-compensate for what is lacking in my child's life that I loose my vision on what it is there and what is real.
I think that sometimes I am my own ghost and my own demon.

... Life is much simpler, or at least the answers to my doubts are much simpler that what I think.

Against what therapy and what movies say about crazy killers - it is not the mother's fault.
Single mothers' children will not be sociopaths just because they grew up in a broken home.
I think that people should take responsibility for their actions without having to continuously blame the past and lack of this and lack of that...

So, how do you quiet the doubts? by keeping focus on your family and being thankful for what we have, not for what we lack.

I know I need to get better in dealing with the silence, and it is OK to think about my son, but I also need to keep in developing the person side of me, because I am a woman, a mother with talents and passions, and so are you.
Let your kids get to know this amazing person that is their mother, because you are amazing, and they have a lot of you in them - so explore that side together. So your kids come back to home, not to mommy's house.
And when the silence rises, you should sing YOUR song, loud and proud.

And let's forgive ourselves, our parents made mistakes as well, and here we are...

Be blessed and LOVE your children today!
As for me, I need to go on singing :)

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