October 3, 2009

The Golden Rule

After an incident with the dude (my son's infamous father) today, I started thinking about the golden rule - "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" -
That's a rule I have always like to live by - I am not an expert, I fail many many times in practicing it - but I'd like to live by it, my philosophy is that you never know when you would be on the other side of the rope. Some people refer to it as karma, law of reciprocity, or just being a good citizen - and it is a good way to live I think.

But what if something wrong is done unto you and you are in the position to pay back with the same 'kindness"? would you take that step? knowing that it may make things worse?

This is the situation - Dude thinks he can violate court orders (which vary from simple to grievous) put his dumb spin on it, the "i didn't know" response, place it on "the past is the past" file and be done with it - an obvious sign of a sociopath (we'll be talking about sociopath behavior in future blogs - beware!! a common disease among divorced men)
Then when they think that a court order is violated towards them, hell is broken loose.

I have been patiently trying to make things better in "our situation". I have been doing things I don't have to as to keep the dude informed of school meetings, doctor appointments, reminders and facilitating change in the schedule in hopes my little boy has the advantage to have both parents involved in his development. So, when I hear "It's not my job" to enforce a court order from the other party - it really makes me think if all the effort is worth it.

Maybe the judge, whole family court system, my lawyer and even the dude is right - I am supposed to treat this interaction as a business deal and only do "my job" - maybe it is time I live by the court orders I tried to enforce and stop being nice.
With going the extra mile expectations are set, that we receive the same treatment - specially with someone you are just dealing in a business-like-way.
Maybe I should save myself the trouble and stop riding the dude's roller coaster (trust me, worse than a woman in PMS).
What got me into trouble with him in the first place is that I didn't listen to my instincts nor to people's advice in regards to the dude.

But I know what it would cost to enforce the golden rule in reverse. I have been talking about not letting the dudes' pettiness affect us, to be above it, but what if there is some stuff we need to allow to get to us, not for a power struggle, but to put us in our place and enforce what we have been fighting for - aside than for our kids' well being - our peace of mind and emotional ties finally being broken from the dudes.

I am a Christian, and I love that the golden rule is mentioned in the bible, but it also mentions to love our enemies, to turn the other cheek and to pay wrong doing with goodness, and no matter how I try to justify it I know I would be violating that would not be doing that.
But I know that my behavior is not dictated by the dude and no matter what he does or doesn't do would not and should not change my behavior.
I went to court for a reason, and was to stop the petty fights, and the best way for court to determine that was to let the parents know that we are grown ups and we can find out things about our kids (when it comes to medical records and school and other stuff) on our own if we really want to know - to not go the extra mile if we didn't want to or see fit. And aside from court, the more distance I place at the moment, the less anger would arise.
And I think that the less things I "facilitate" for the dude the less trouble... I like that - it is liberating.

So, my dear readers, this is a new time for me - a business minded mom, who would only do my job appointed by court, no extra mile ridden, to give as I receive from the dude's "oh-so-warm heart" -
And still do the best I can for my kid. And really and honestly think about my kid and I.
I will let you know how it goes and keep you posted.

Thank you for reading. Love and cherish your kids every minute of the day.

Many, many blessings.

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