July 25, 2009

facts vs. logic - Father's rights

OK, here we go.

If you are undergoing a custody battle, most than likely you have heard the term, be thrown a quote or been contacted by one of their "fans".

Father's right is, I would say an association, that hold a series of laws protecting the father when it comes to a custody battle. It seeks for fathers to have the same rights as a mother would have when going into custody talks.
It calls for the sharing of the child on a more 50/50 term. For the mother to also pay child support when the child is with the father and more involvement when it comes to sharing the kids.

There are huge flaws to it, I think.

I do come from a divorce home as well. As I mentioned before, I LOVE my dad (he passed away several years ago), he really made a point to be in our lives and his love was very evident to my siblings and I. So, I get the point from a child living in a split home. I respect my dad and I don't hate men.
I know there are wonderful fathers out there that would give anything for their kids and take action on their words and promises, I know there are others that not.

I did my research on the father's law when I was in the middle of the custody battle, because I wanted to make a fair attempt to custody for my then 6 month old son. I wanted the dad involved and wanted to know what their views as fathers seeking custody were.
When I contacted them, it was a wave of raging comments and statements. If I asked a base for it, the only response was "what makes you think you get to have all the rights, we want rights too, what makes you think you have to win", there was no inquiry about what the situation was, how was my child responding to the interchange between houses, nothing about the child, but if I had a personal meeting with them, they would probably have chopped my head and place it on their flagpole.

OK, I will give them the benefit of the doubt, I thought. When I met with a pastor who wanted to "advice" about the custody issues. Similar response, didn't matter the condition of the child, but it was all about the rights the father had. Same with the dad himself.

I see their point, of course fathers have the same rights as mothers, they are equally important in the upbringing of a child, that is true, whether we are at odds with the father, they play a very important role in the life of our kids.
But, there are stages to it, the child's stability needs to be hugely considered, and the child's present and future MUST be the only concern.

When my son was 6 months old, he was breastfeeding. The answers I got quoting the father's rights is that mothers can pump and give the milk to the father.
I know you will have the same response I have - infancy and toddler hood is the time for mother/child connection. There is a sense of safety when the child is in on the breast of the mother.
A 50/50 situation would not work well for an infant, toddler, child even a teenager. A child needs to have a sense of belonging. A place they call home where they spend most of the time, that is a necessity, no matter what the stage of the marriage.

When talking to the father's rights there was a huge sense of "winning a battle", pride issues and lots of anger.
We male and females have a different temperaments and views of situations, but then is when should assume the view of the child and seek their well being, not winning a battle.

While going to court, I met a dad who was distraught for his child, he was showing signs of depression because of the separation from the dad. He had drawings and letters from the child that would show that. He was asking the court for help, for a way to fix the situation, or make it better. At that point the child didn't have much time with his father (other than once a month), the mother was abusive (according to the father a the child letters) and the child was 7 years old.
I was not endorsing any mother or father's laws, but in that case something needed to be done, and that child clearly needed more time with his father - and the abusive mother to be looked into - if all the statements were true.

On the other side of the coin - a father had gotten every weekend for his child, in addition to every day visitation, and the first thing he did after being awarded that was to call a baby sitter to take care of the child, even when the child was sick. Second thing was to request every other weekend instead of every weekend. He also asked the mediator to have more hours (visitation hours) on paper so he can see the child whenever times during that window. The child was 1 year old. These are the types of cases in which father laws are damaging.

Any law serves for a general purpose, it doesn't focus on the details, situations, curves and variables. A law should be there for a guideline, then we mold around it, it should never be there to win, specially at your child's expense.

Do your research, if the father has a lawyer, most than likely they will come with the father's law statement - equality.
Seek the child's well being.
If they come to you with abusive comments, give them a brush of, of tell them to buy a hallmark card and sent it to their mothers, maybe that will ease their anger.
But be wise, don't seek to win, but you're child's well being.

Love your kids! and blessings!

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